When you see someone you love hurting themselves, what is your natural instinct? It should be to stop them and to show them another way, right? But what do you do when that person won’t stop, when that person won’t change?

Many times John told me that he did not want to do the things he was doing or be the way he was as far as his addiction. He would be broken hearted over the hurt he had brought to his dad and me. He would be broken hearted over the life he was living. Yet time after time he would go to rehab and get clean, only to relapse again.

I don’t pretend to know all of the physiology or psychology behind addiction, nor do I pretend to be an expert who can give professional advice on how to help or what to do. But I do know that fighting addiction is extremely hard. And I also know that dealing with an addicted loved one can be a long, difficult road. And as a parent, it makes you feel helpless.

“Tough love” they say. “Let them hit rock bottom” they say. “Love them where they are” they say. And I believe we tried our best to do these things, but none of them seemed to help, or at least not as far as we could see with our limited, human eyes.

So where does that leave us now?

Well the obvious is that our son lost his physical life, and we have temporarily lost contact with our son. Could we have done more? I don’t know. Could we have done things differently? I’m sure we made mistakes. Does any of this change the way things are today? No.

Recently during my Bible reading I was reminded of this verse:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

Years ago, I sang a song at church that referenced this verse. John was only three at the time, but he knew the melody, and he knew every word. Every time I rehearsed the song at home, rather than playing with his toys, he would come sit with me and sing along. Such a priceless memory.

And just as recently as April of 2016, I texted a link to him that played this song,

Be strong and take courage; do not fear or be dismayed,

for the Lord will go before you, and His light will show you the way…

John remembered the song from years ago. He texted back, “Ahhhhhh, love it, it would be better if that was u singin!” So thankful I still have that text.

I believe John was striving to be strong and courageous because it takes courage to fight addiction. If you are the addict, I encourage you to be strong in the Lord and fight your battle courageously with God as your strength. Lean into Him and ask godly people to surround you and help you fight. Be honest with them as cravings and urges arise in you. Ask for help in your weakness.

It also takes tremendous courage to live with the addict and love him well. Can I encourage you, parent, wife, loved one, to be strong and courageous in your battle? Remember to seek the Lord at all times, every day. Ask Him for guidance, strength, and wisdom to know how to help your loved one in the right way. Trust God on every mountain and in every valley. He is working, but you may not see it as God does while you ride that roller coaster of emotional ups and downs.

Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Fighting a long, hard battle can be draining to say the least, but God wants to be our source of strength and courage to help us keep fighting. Don’t give up. Press hard into the Lord. He will never fail.

Some might ask, well didn’t God fail in your son’s life? After all, he died because of his addiction.

And I can certainly see how someone reading would have this question as I myself have had the same question at times. But that’s where I have to be strong and courageous as I fight to trust God in all things.

Because I know His character, I know that His plan is always good and that He can be trusted. So as those questions re-enter my mind, I pray and read His Word to remind myself—God has a plan that I cannot see.

Trust God, my friends. Surround yourself with godly people who will spur you on. Read and study God’s Word. Learn His character. And pray.

“Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me… Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.”

Psalm 143:7-8

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.