I have learned that most parents who have lost a child say the second year is harder. But in my mind I was hoping that that would not be the case, however, it has been. I believe it’s partly because during the first year, the focus is on getting through all the “firsts”, with the hope that maybe somehow the “seconds” and after won’t be as hard.

But it’s been my experience that the second passing of the “firsts” is with a deeper reality—the reality that my son is not returning, and I have to walk through the third year, the fourth…the tenth, the rest of my life on this earth without him.

I haven’t written here for several months because I’ve been working through this deeper reality, and continue to do so. But I wanted to write a few words of encouragement to anyone who reads and finds his or herself in a dark, difficult place. This time of year I am always strongly reminded of the hope we have through Jesus. The season we celebrate the giving of Hope. The giving of the best gift of all.

Recently, Robert and I have been listening to a study on the life of Joseph. Today, as I listened, I was reminded that Joseph had every right, by man’s standards, to have a victim mentality. He was a victim. His brothers hated him. He was sold into slavery, plotted against, wrongfully imprisoned, slandered, forgotten. But he never abandoned his faith. Instead he totally submitted to God’s plan as it unfolded in spite of the fact that he could only see his current circumstances, not God’s full plan.

We now have the completed story of Joseph’s life recorded on the pages of Scripture (Genesis 35-50). We can read and see how God was faithfully working through all of the horrific things that happened to Joseph during his lifetime.

The naming of children had great significance in the Bible, and when God blessed Joseph with two sons, he could have given them names that would have represented his suffering and hardships, but he didn’t. Instead he chose names that honored God and His faithfulness.

In Genesis 41:51-52, we learn the names of Joseph’s two sons. He named his first son Manasseh—“for God has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house”. His second son he named Ephraim—“for God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction”. Joseph gave God all the credit for helping him walk through his hardships and for blessing him in his affliction. I’m sure Joseph was deeply hurt and confused in every undeserved situation—after all he was just a man. But it seems in the pages of scripture that he never allowed that deep hurt to make him bitter.

The teaching on Joseph today reminded me of two things. The first is that I can live the rest of my life with a victim mentality and let the hardship of John’s physical death make me bitter. Or I can choose, as Joseph did, to trust God in this, and honor Him while trusting.

The second thing that came to my mind was when we chose the name for our son. We wanted his name to represent our gratefulness to the Lord for entrusting us with such a beautiful and precious gift. And we also wanted his name to represent our hopes and dreams for his life.

So we chose the name John Michael.

John means—“God’s gracious gift”.

Michael means—“who is like the Lord”.

God allowed us to be John’s mom and dad for one day short of 27 years. We are so very thankful for this honor and this gift. Also God placed gifts in John that allowed him to display some of the character of the Lord. John was compassionate, gentle, loving, loyal, generous, kind. We are so very thankful we had the privilege to see these gifts in him.

During the month of December 2016, before John went to Heaven on January 7, 2017, he and I were texting back and forth. The very last text I sent to John was this little doodle:

Little did I know that within a few days of John receiving that text, he would be in the presence of the greatest Gift and Gift-giver Himself, Jesus Christ.

I would never compare my suffering to the suffering of Joseph, because his was of such magnitude. But I do consider the loss of my only child to be a deep, deep hurt—the deepest that I may ever face.

I could continue through the years processing and thinking of myself as a victim of a cruel turn of life, but I cannot do that because when I received the very best gift that God has ever given me—salvation through Jesus—it changed my life and my way of thinking. God can be trusted in the very darkest of places.

Joseph was in many dark places. But Joseph trusted God. Joseph could have been bitter. But Joseph honored God.

So with these reminders, and especially during this Christmas season, I pray your trust in God will remain strong, and that you will honor the One True Gift that matters most—Jesus—the best gift I have ever received—the Gift of all gifts.

“… she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Luke 2:9-11

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.