Category: Child Loss

The Best Gift of All

Linda12 Comments

I have learned that most parents who have lost a child say the second year is harder. But in my mind I was hoping that that would not be the case, however, it has been. I believe it’s partly because during the first year, the focus is on getting through all the “firsts”, with the hope that maybe somehow the “seconds” and after won’t be as hard.

But it’s been my experience that the second passing of the “firsts” is with a deeper reality—the reality that my son is not returning, and I have to walk through the third year, the fourth…the tenth, the rest of my life on this earth without him.

I haven’t written here for several months because I’ve been working through this deeper reality, and continue to do so. But I wanted to write a few words of encouragement to anyone who reads and finds his or herself in a dark, difficult place. This time of year I am always strongly reminded of the hope we have through Jesus. The season we celebrate the giving of Hope. The giving of the best gift of all.

Recently, Robert and I have been listening to a study on the life of Joseph. Today, as I listened, I was reminded that Joseph had every right, by man’s standards, to have a victim mentality. He was a victim. His brothers hated him. He was sold into slavery, plotted against, wrongfully imprisoned, slandered, forgotten. But he never abandoned his faith. Instead he totally submitted to God’s plan as it unfolded in spite of the fact that he could only see his current circumstances, not God’s full plan.

We now have the completed story of Joseph’s life recorded on the pages of Scripture (Genesis 35-50). We can read and see how God was faithfully working through all of the horrific things that happened to Joseph during his lifetime.

The naming of children had great significance in the Bible, and when God blessed Joseph with two sons, he could have given them names that would have represented his suffering and hardships, but he didn’t. Instead he chose names that honored God and His faithfulness.

In Genesis 41:51-52, we learn the names of Joseph’s two sons. He named his first son Manasseh—“for God has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house”. His second son he named Ephraim—“for God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction”. Joseph gave God all the credit for helping him walk through his hardships and for blessing him in his affliction. I’m sure Joseph was deeply hurt and confused in every undeserved situation—after all he was just a man. But it seems in the pages of scripture that he never allowed that deep hurt to make him bitter.

The teaching on Joseph today reminded me of two things. The first is that I can live the rest of my life with a victim mentality and let the hardship of John’s physical death make me bitter. Or I can choose, as Joseph did, to trust God in this, and honor Him while trusting.

The second thing that came to my mind was when we chose the name for our son. We wanted his name to represent our gratefulness to the Lord for entrusting us with such a beautiful and precious gift. And we also wanted his name to represent our hopes and dreams for his life.

So we chose the name John Michael.

John means—“God’s gracious gift”.

Michael means—“who is like the Lord”.

God allowed us to be John’s mom and dad for one day short of 27 years. We are so very thankful for this honor and this gift. Also God placed gifts in John that allowed him to display some of the character of the Lord. John was compassionate, gentle, loving, loyal, generous, kind. We are so very thankful we had the privilege to see these gifts in him.

During the month of December 2016, before John went to Heaven on January 7, 2017, he and I were texting back and forth. The very last text I sent to John was this little doodle:

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Little did I know that within a few days of John receiving that text, he would be in the presence of the greatest Gift and Gift-giver Himself, Jesus Christ.

I would never compare my suffering to the suffering of Joseph, because his was of such magnitude. But I do consider the loss of my only child to be a deep, deep hurt—the deepest that I may ever face.

I could continue through the years processing and thinking of myself as a victim of a cruel turn of life, but I cannot do that because when I received the very best gift that God has ever given me—salvation through Jesus—it changed my life and my way of thinking. God can be trusted in the very darkest of places.

Joseph was in many dark places. But Joseph trusted God. Joseph could have been bitter. But Joseph honored God.

So with these reminders, and especially during this Christmas season, I pray your trust in God will remain strong, and that you will honor the One True Gift that matters most—Jesus—the best gift I have ever received—the Gift of all gifts.

“… she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Luke 2:9-11

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

His Thoughts and Our Days

Linda6 Comments

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Mother’s Day is six days away. Another hard one to get through. The second one since John left us. And the anticipation of it . . . you can’t walk into a store or turn on the TV without being reminded.

There’s another time in my life when Mother’s Day was difficult. After five years of marriage, we started down a long road of infertility—eight years to be exact. Every Mother’s Day that rolled around I was reminded that I couldn’t celebrate that day as a mom.

But then after the Lord blessed us through adoption with our precious little son, John, Mother’s Day became one of the sweetest days of the year! Just so happy to be a momma. And especially happy to be John’s momma.

Now, if I’m completely honest, I wish Mother’s Day could just go away. But that’s not going to happen. I know I’m still John’s mom even though he’s in Heaven, but these weeks in May are a deep, searing reminder that he’s not here to tell me, and I can’t hear him say, “Happy Mother’s Day! I love you, Momma!”

This time last year we drove down to the beach and stayed for a few days. It was good to get away from home. It had only been four months since John’s physical death.

Sitting on the beach that Sunday, I put my earbuds in and began listening to praise music. As I sat there taking in all the vastness of the ocean, so many questions and so many thoughts went round and round in my mind.

Why, Lord? I so wanted to see John healed in this life.

When did things go awry? John loved us so much.

Did we do all we could have? Maybe we could have done more.

Will our broken hearts ever mend? This pain is too much.

As my thoughts and questions began to mount up, I felt myself going into a dark hole. I realized I needed to replace my thoughts with Truth from God’s Word. And I needed to do it quickly.

So I opened up the Bible app on my phone and began reading some of the scriptures that had especially brought me comfort over the previous four months. I read several verses and then scrolled to Psalm 139.

The verse from this Psalm that had given, and continues to give me so much peace . . .

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that are formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” v. 16

Every day John lived on this earth was already written in God’s book before he took one breath as a newborn baby. I’m so thankful the Lord gave us this verse in His Word. No matter my questions or my thoughts, the Lord ordained John’s days.

As I continued reading, God gave me a beautiful, tangible picture of His love through verses 17 and 18. I knew I had read the verses before as I has read this whole Psalm numerous times. But the specific words had not resonated with my heart like they did that day . . .

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand…” (my emphasis)

As I sat there reading this verse, my toes were literally in the sand—a vast number of grains all around me that I would never be able to count. According to Psalm 139:17-18, so are His thoughts toward me.

How loved and encouraged I felt in that moment when the Lord reminded me through His Word of how often He thinks of me and how intimately He knows me and how deeply He cares for me. My heavenly Father, the Lord over all. His thoughts toward me are more than the grains of sand!

I am forever thankful to God for the utmost privilege of being John’s momma.

I am forever thankful to God for the mother I had who John is now with in Heaven.

I am forever thankful to God that He is helping me as I continue to work through the reality that John is no longer with us.

Today marks 16 months since John passed from this life to the next. For all of eternity John will live in the presence of God.

And time for us continues to go by—one day at a time.

The Bible says that we each have a definitive number of days that God has ordained for us to live on this earth. I want to live the rest of mine serving Him in faithful obedience.

May I ask . . . how are you living your days? I pray it is in faithful obedience to your Heavenly Father.

If you’re not sure God is your Heavenly Father, could I ask you to read more here, and consider how and for whom you are living your days?

And Brother or Sister in Christ, if you are in a place where your thoughts and questions take you to a dark hole, turn your thoughts to Him. His thoughts are toward you . . . more than the grains of sand.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.”

Psalm 139:1-2

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”

Psalm 139:11-12

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

Psalm 139:23-24

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Hold Fast

Linda8 Comments

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It’s been a while since I’ve written here. My initial goal was to write about once a week. But that hasn’t happened since late last year.

I don’t know why, but I was thinking that somehow after that first anniversary, January 7, 2018, the first anniversary of John’s physical death, I would be able to move a bit further down this road of grief. Not feel quite as sad or quite so weary. Maybe not feel as lost or not as incomplete. But that hasn’t happened either.

On the recommendation of a dear friend the Lord brought to me last year, Robert and I took a trip over the Christmas holidays intentionally not returning home until after the first year anniversary and John’s birthday, the day after his physical death, January 8th.

I’m so glad we listened and took her advice. Getting away from the familiar helped. But it didn’t make it go away. Upon returning home, the fact that John is gone once again became overwhelming. And my hopes of feeling better were dashed.

How foolish of me to think that the passing of a date would somehow make things better. Isn’t it odd how our minds work? We want to talk ourselves into things, don’t we?

The anticipation of facing that first year anniversary was gut wrenching—reliving those days leading up to the phone call we received telling us that John was gone. And then walking back into our home after our time away to only be reminded that John is not coming back.

My faith began to waver… maybe I should just give up.

Multiple times in scripture the Word tells us to hold fast. Here are just three of those verses.

“You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.”

Deuteronomy 13:4

 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him (says the Lord); I will protect him, because he knows my name.”

Psalm 91:14

 “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”

Hebrews 10:23

So here I find myself . . . holding fast . . . often wavering . . . but not giving up.

During these last few months, the song He Will Hold Me Fast has come across my ears numerous times. Every time I hear it, it encourages me to keep holding fast to the One who is holding me.

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13 NIV

When the Lord saved me over 35 years ago, He wrote my name in His book. He took me as His own. He anchored me in His love. I will hold fast to the God of my salvation.

One day our faith will be made sight . . . until then—hold fast.

“Only hold fast (to) what you have until I come.”

Revelation 2:25

 “I am coming soon . . .”

Revelation 3:11

HE WILL HOLD ME FAST  (link)

Verse One

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;
When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.
I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path;
For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast.

Chorus
He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;
For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast.

Verse Two

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast;
Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast.
He’ll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last;
Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast.

Verse Three

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast;
Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast
‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last!

Lyrics vv 1&2 by Ada R. Habershon; v 3 & Music by Matt Merker; Video by Getty Music

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Christmas without John

Linda2 Comments

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Why is it that holidays evoke such strong feelings? I guess it’s because everywhere you look and everything you hear seems to revolve around families being together. And then the memories from years past… holidays are difficult for many people.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I have many near-to-my-heart memories with John at Christmas. We always made a birthday cake for Jesus and had a special Bible time each night leading up to Christmas day in anticipation of celebrating His birth. Our favorite Christmas music began playing at home and in our car the day after Thanksgiving, and our favorite Christmas movie played as we decorated the tree. We always bought a new ornament that would represent something special from the current year. As we would hang all the ornaments from previous years, we would enjoy together the memories each ornament would bring to mind. So, so many memories.

But now…

As I reflect over the past few Christmases the reality is that John wasn’t at home with us. He was either not doing well enough to come home, or he was in a recovery program. So why is this Christmas so much harder? And I realize that before this year, there was always hope that “next Christmas” things would be better and John would be home. And now that hope is gone—gone with his physical death.

Oh I know we will see John again in Heaven. And I know John is celebrating Jesus’ birth in a way we can only imagine—in the very presence of God. But selfishly my heart is broken that John is not with us and will never again be with us in this life…. and I miss him oh so very much.

So as we continue to muddle through this holiday season, I am faced with things like:

…signing one less name on the cards and gift tags,

…realizing that all those special Christmas ornaments won’t be passed on to John,

…not being able to listen to our favorite Christmas music,

…not enjoying the season as I once did.

But the one thing I am doing this year is being so very thankful for what Christmas means. Because of Christmas, I have hope that our family will one day be reunited to celebrate together for all of eternity because of our faith in Jesus.

So my friends, this Christmas savor the time with family and friends, give good, long hugs, celebrate the hope we have in God through the tiny baby who was sent many years ago. Immanuel—God with us. Because God is with us, we have hope, and He will get us through.

“She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).”

Matthew 1:21-23

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Romans 15:13

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Sustained by the Sustainer

Linda1 Comment

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Over the last several weeks, I’ve been reflecting on how the Lord has abundantly and powerfully shown Himself to be strong on our behalf this year. October 7th marked nine months since John went to heaven. Seems like it’s been such a long time. But by God’s measure of time, John is just getting started.

As I’ve reflected, the word sustain has struck me anew.  I’ve been reading scripture that speaks of the Lord sustaining His children. This made me want to look more deeply into the meaning of the word. And here’s a bit of what I found:

  • to support, hold up
  • to endure without giving way or yielding
  • to keep up or keep going

A few synonyms and similar phrases:

  • brace; bear; carry; defend; feed; maintain; preserve; uphold; keep alive; keep from falling

These are strong, substantial words and phrases to define the word sustain.

People ask me from time to time, how are you doing? And I appreciate this so much because it reminds me that they still remember and are praying for us. My answer to that question is usually something like, doing OK; it’s a long process; the Lord has been faithful.

But He’s been so much more than just faithful. He has been my faithful Sustainer. The very air I breathe.

He has supported me and held me up when I’ve felt I couldn’t stand. He has helped me endure when I’ve wanted to give up. He has defended me against the lies of the enemy when I’ve wanted to believe them. He has fed me with His Word, preserved me, kept me alive, and kept me from falling away when my faith has been weak.

Yes, He has been my Sustainer. He is my Sustainer.

Another definition of sustain is—to undergo, experience, or suffer an injury, loss, etc.

According to what I’ve read in books and heard from other parents who have lost children, the death of a child is one of the most difficult of all losses. A friend who lost her son several years ago, and then more recently lost her husband told me, you always know there’s a chance that you will outlive your spouse, but you never expect to outlive your child.

Perhaps child loss is the greatest, it has certainly been the most difficult loss I’ve faced so far. But regardless, Robert and I have sustained a tremendous loss.

So as He would have it, our Sustainer God is sustaining his children who have sustained a great loss. Such a play on words, but it’s true.

He’s upholding, preserving, feeding, carrying, supporting, and maintaining those who belong to Him who are suffering and carrying a heavy weight. He’s not only doing this for me, He’s also doing it for you, brother or sister in Christ.

So I encourage you to call out to Him, lean into Him, and walk in His strength as He upholds you. Let the Word of the Lord remind you anew of your great Sustainer… (the emphasis below is mine)

Forty years you (God) sustained them (the Israelites) in the wilderness, and they lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell.  

Nehemiah 9:21

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.

Psalm 3:5

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

(The Lord)…will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 1:8

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

Linda2 Comments

Anyone could understand why my heart would be broken. To have lost my only child? Of course my heart is broken. And I want it to heal, but will it ever be the same?

I have a porcelain bluebird figurine that belonged to my mother. At some point in that figurine’s life it got broken. She’s no longer here to ask about it, but it looks like Momma tried to glue it back together as best she could. But just like with our hearts, once porcelain is broken it’s never put back together exactly the same. Every Spring I pull out that little bluebird to display somewhere on a table in our home, and I am reminded of my mother and how, I am sure, she tried her very best to make that figurine look as though it had never been broken.

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Those Left Behind

Linda2 Comments

I added another name to my calendar yesterday. The calendar I keep to remind myself of the anniversaries of the deaths of people I want to be sure to remember. That makes three additions to that calendar since I added John’s name in January of this year.

Now another family begins the long road of grieving the loss of their precious loved one.

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