Feelings and Struggles…To Share or Not to Share

It’s hard to believe how quickly and radically life can change. With just one phone call on the morning of January 7, 2017, our lives changed forever.

That phone call was to tell us that our son, John, had left this life earlier that morning.

Even though we are still in the process of grieving the loss of our precious only child, I feel the Lord is asking me to tell of His faithfulness by sharing my experiences more formally with others. Oh I’ve sat many times over a cup of coffee with another woman and shared openly with her, and listened as she did the same. But to write down my feelings and struggles, my failures and regrets, my hopes and dreams? That’s something all together different.

Do I want to be this vulnerable? Do I want to risk being misunderstood or criticized? Do I want to sacrifice my privacy and be emotionally exposed for the sake of helping another on a similar path?

 I feel I have no choice—at least for a little while. Only the Lord knows how long I’ll write, or who will read the words, or if the writing is just for me. All I know is that I must do this.

And it is my prayer that you will be encouraged, perhaps regain a bit of hope, or at the very least know that you are not alone in your struggle.

I’m still processing many things like:

I’ll never again hear my son say, “I love you, Momma”.

Never again will I feel his big, strong arms wrap me up in a bear hug.

I’ll never again hear his deep, hearty laugh—

or laugh with him until our cheeks hurt over something silly one of us said.

Never again. At least not in this life.

How have I stayed afloat during this horrific grief? How do I get out of bed every morning when often my first thought is, “I don’t want to do this all over again today”?

How will I be able to write and share my experiences and God’s faithfulness to me?

Only by God’s loving presence.

Only by His new morning mercies.

Only by His sustaining grace.

 “ ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’… ‘The Lord is my helper…’ ”  

Hebrews 13:5-6

 “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  

Lamentations 3:22-23

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.