Tag: Faith

His Thoughts and Our Days

Linda6 Comments

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Mother’s Day is six days away. Another hard one to get through. The second one since John left us. And the anticipation of it . . . you can’t walk into a store or turn on the TV without being reminded.

There’s another time in my life when Mother’s Day was difficult. After five years of marriage, we started down a long road of infertility—eight years to be exact. Every Mother’s Day that rolled around I was reminded that I couldn’t celebrate that day as a mom.

But then after the Lord blessed us through adoption with our precious little son, John, Mother’s Day became one of the sweetest days of the year! Just so happy to be a momma. And especially happy to be John’s momma.

Now, if I’m completely honest, I wish Mother’s Day could just go away. But that’s not going to happen. I know I’m still John’s mom even though he’s in Heaven, but these weeks in May are a deep, searing reminder that he’s not here to tell me, and I can’t hear him say, “Happy Mother’s Day! I love you, Momma!”

This time last year we drove down to the beach and stayed for a few days. It was good to get away from home. It had only been four months since John’s physical death.

Sitting on the beach that Sunday, I put my earbuds in and began listening to praise music. As I sat there taking in all the vastness of the ocean, so many questions and so many thoughts went round and round in my mind.

Why, Lord? I so wanted to see John healed in this life.

When did things go awry? John loved us so much.

Did we do all we could have? Maybe we could have done more.

Will our broken hearts ever mend? This pain is too much.

As my thoughts and questions began to mount up, I felt myself going into a dark hole. I realized I needed to replace my thoughts with Truth from God’s Word. And I needed to do it quickly.

So I opened up the Bible app on my phone and began reading some of the scriptures that had especially brought me comfort over the previous four months. I read several verses and then scrolled to Psalm 139.

The verse from this Psalm that had given, and continues to give me so much peace . . .

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that are formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” v. 16

Every day John lived on this earth was already written in God’s book before he took one breath as a newborn baby. I’m so thankful the Lord gave us this verse in His Word. No matter my questions or my thoughts, the Lord ordained John’s days.

As I continued reading, God gave me a beautiful, tangible picture of His love through verses 17 and 18. I knew I had read the verses before as I has read this whole Psalm numerous times. But the specific words had not resonated with my heart like they did that day . . .

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand…” (my emphasis)

As I sat there reading this verse, my toes were literally in the sand—a vast number of grains all around me that I would never be able to count. According to Psalm 139:17-18, so are His thoughts toward me.

How loved and encouraged I felt in that moment when the Lord reminded me through His Word of how often He thinks of me and how intimately He knows me and how deeply He cares for me. My heavenly Father, the Lord over all. His thoughts toward me are more than the grains of sand!

I am forever thankful to God for the utmost privilege of being John’s momma.

I am forever thankful to God for the mother I had who John is now with in Heaven.

I am forever thankful to God that He is helping me as I continue to work through the reality that John is no longer with us.

Today marks 16 months since John passed from this life to the next. For all of eternity John will live in the presence of God.

And time for us continues to go by—one day at a time.

The Bible says that we each have a definitive number of days that God has ordained for us to live on this earth. I want to live the rest of mine serving Him in faithful obedience.

May I ask . . . how are you living your days? I pray it is in faithful obedience to your Heavenly Father.

If you’re not sure God is your Heavenly Father, could I ask you to read more here, and consider how and for whom you are living your days?

And Brother or Sister in Christ, if you are in a place where your thoughts and questions take you to a dark hole, turn your thoughts to Him. His thoughts are toward you . . . more than the grains of sand.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.”

Psalm 139:1-2

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”

Psalm 139:11-12

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

Psalm 139:23-24

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Kept Promises

LindaLeave a comment
Version 3
Photo Credit: John Hall

As I’ve read familiar biblical passages lately, I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before, understood as I’ve never understood before, been comforted like I’ve never been comforted before. I have truly been amazed by how the Lord has been attending to my heart and my every need. This year God has shown Himself faithful to His promises in remarkable and, often times, indescribable ways.

I’m currently reading the book, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow. The first time I read it back in the spring God used it to help me begin to see purpose, when my heart only wanted to ask “why”. The book is full of biblical truth and encouragement, so I’m reading it again and seeing many things I missed the first time around.

Nancy Guthrie, the author, writes about how the Lord allows us to see Him and know Him in deeper ways as we seek Him while walking through great pain, disappointment, and sorrow. She actually calls it an opportunity—“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him (Jesus) with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself.” (my emphasis)

So through my pain and sorrow the Lord has put on display the workings of His promises.

  • I’ve run across things I had forgotten about, and have been reminded of things long gone that either dispelled my false thinking or confirmed my right thinking—just when I needed it.
  • Specific bible verses that have helped carry me through the past few years keep showing up in what seem like the most random places.
  • One of the songs we sang at John’s service continues to come on the radio at times when doubt is surfacing or great sadness is overtaking me.

And these are just a few of the things I’ve experienced.

Are these coincidences? I don’t think so.

I believe God wants to let me know in the most obvious of ways that He is near and He knows my pain. He wants to encourage me, comfort me, remind me, and grow me. He wants to show me that His promises are indeed true. The Lord is allowing me to experience Him in a deeper way, all because of my deep sorrow.

In June of 2016, John texted me a picture he had taken of a rainbow (another gift from the Lord that I still have that text). He sent these words with the picture “Beautiful reminder this evening that God keeps His promises…. love you!”

As I look at that text and think back over the past nine plus months, I see incredible evidence of God’s kept promises. He is the one who never lies, never changes His mind, never waivers in His word. He is the ultimate Promise Keeper.

John believed the promises of God. I do, too. I have seen these promises fulfilled before me in remarkable ways. Has this journey been easy? No. Do I really look at it as an “opportunity” to know God in a deeper way? Yes… but… I have to choose to see it this way. And it doesn’t come naturally nor does it come easily. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Psalm 119:49-50

 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

 

For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.

2 Corinthians 1:20

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Sustained by the Sustainer

Linda1 Comment

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Over the last several weeks, I’ve been reflecting on how the Lord has abundantly and powerfully shown Himself to be strong on our behalf this year. October 7th marked nine months since John went to heaven. Seems like it’s been such a long time. But by God’s measure of time, John is just getting started.

As I’ve reflected, the word sustain has struck me anew.  I’ve been reading scripture that speaks of the Lord sustaining His children. This made me want to look more deeply into the meaning of the word. And here’s a bit of what I found:

  • to support, hold up
  • to endure without giving way or yielding
  • to keep up or keep going

A few synonyms and similar phrases:

  • brace; bear; carry; defend; feed; maintain; preserve; uphold; keep alive; keep from falling

These are strong, substantial words and phrases to define the word sustain.

People ask me from time to time, how are you doing? And I appreciate this so much because it reminds me that they still remember and are praying for us. My answer to that question is usually something like, doing OK; it’s a long process; the Lord has been faithful.

But He’s been so much more than just faithful. He has been my faithful Sustainer. The very air I breathe.

He has supported me and held me up when I’ve felt I couldn’t stand. He has helped me endure when I’ve wanted to give up. He has defended me against the lies of the enemy when I’ve wanted to believe them. He has fed me with His Word, preserved me, kept me alive, and kept me from falling away when my faith has been weak.

Yes, He has been my Sustainer. He is my Sustainer.

Another definition of sustain is—to undergo, experience, or suffer an injury, loss, etc.

According to what I’ve read in books and heard from other parents who have lost children, the death of a child is one of the most difficult of all losses. A friend who lost her son several years ago, and then more recently lost her husband told me, you always know there’s a chance that you will outlive your spouse, but you never expect to outlive your child.

Perhaps child loss is the greatest, it has certainly been the most difficult loss I’ve faced so far. But regardless, Robert and I have sustained a tremendous loss.

So as He would have it, our Sustainer God is sustaining his children who have sustained a great loss. Such a play on words, but it’s true.

He’s upholding, preserving, feeding, carrying, supporting, and maintaining those who belong to Him who are suffering and carrying a heavy weight. He’s not only doing this for me, He’s also doing it for you, brother or sister in Christ.

So I encourage you to call out to Him, lean into Him, and walk in His strength as He upholds you. Let the Word of the Lord remind you anew of your great Sustainer… (the emphasis below is mine)

Forty years you (God) sustained them (the Israelites) in the wilderness, and they lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell.  

Nehemiah 9:21

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.

Psalm 3:5

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

(The Lord)…will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 1:8

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

God’s Perfect Plan of Adoption

Linda4 Comments

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I was 25 when we realized we might have a problem getting pregnant. We had already been married for five years and had not really tried to prevent pregnancy for several of those years. So with this realization, an eight-year journey of infertility began.

In about our seventh year of what seemed like endless fertility tests, medications, and procedures, and then month after month of receiving the disappointing news of no pregnancy, we began to talk more seriously about adoption. Robert and I had always been open to adoption, but as you may know, that process takes a long time and costs a lot of money.

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Be Strong & Courageous

LindaLeave a comment

When you see someone you love hurting themselves, what is your natural instinct? It should be to stop them and to show them another way, right? But what do you do when that person won’t stop, when that person won’t change?

Many times John told me that he did not want to do the things he was doing or be the way he was as far as his addiction. He would be broken hearted over the hurt he had brought to his dad and me. He would be broken hearted over the life he was living. Yet time after time he would go to rehab and get clean, only to relapse again.

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On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

Linda2 Comments

Anyone could understand why my heart would be broken. To have lost my only child? Of course my heart is broken. And I want it to heal, but will it ever be the same?

I have a porcelain bluebird figurine that belonged to my mother. At some point in that figurine’s life it got broken. She’s no longer here to ask about it, but it looks like Momma tried to glue it back together as best she could. But just like with our hearts, once porcelain is broken it’s never put back together exactly the same. Every Spring I pull out that little bluebird to display somewhere on a table in our home, and I am reminded of my mother and how, I am sure, she tried her very best to make that figurine look as though it had never been broken.

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Today’s the Day—Tomorrow May Never Come

Linda8 Comments

Once someone has left this life it’s too late to do those things you wanted to do and say those things you wanted to say.

The night before John went to heaven, there was something I wish I had done, but I told myself I would tell him about it later. It was an insignificant thing, but still something I wish I had not put off.

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