Tag: Grief

Christmas without John

Linda2 Comments

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Why is it that holidays evoke such strong feelings? I guess it’s because everywhere you look and everything you hear seems to revolve around families being together. And then the memories from years past… holidays are difficult for many people.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I have many near-to-my-heart memories with John at Christmas. We always made a birthday cake for Jesus and had a special Bible time each night leading up to Christmas day in anticipation of celebrating His birth. Our favorite Christmas music began playing at home and in our car the day after Thanksgiving, and our favorite Christmas movie played as we decorated the tree. We always bought a new ornament that would represent something special from the current year. As we would hang all the ornaments from previous years, we would enjoy together the memories each ornament would bring to mind. So, so many memories.

But now…

As I reflect over the past few Christmases the reality is that John wasn’t at home with us. He was either not doing well enough to come home, or he was in a recovery program. So why is this Christmas so much harder? And I realize that before this year, there was always hope that “next Christmas” things would be better and John would be home. And now that hope is gone—gone with his physical death.

Oh I know we will see John again in Heaven. And I know John is celebrating Jesus’ birth in a way we can only imagine—in the very presence of God. But selfishly my heart is broken that John is not with us and will never again be with us in this life…. and I miss him oh so very much.

So as we continue to muddle through this holiday season, I am faced with things like:

…signing one less name on the cards and gift tags,

…realizing that all those special Christmas ornaments won’t be passed on to John,

…not being able to listen to our favorite Christmas music,

…not enjoying the season as I once did.

But the one thing I am doing this year is being so very thankful for what Christmas means. Because of Christmas, I have hope that our family will one day be reunited to celebrate together for all of eternity because of our faith in Jesus.

So my friends, this Christmas savor the time with family and friends, give good, long hugs, celebrate the hope we have in God through the tiny baby who was sent many years ago. Immanuel—God with us. Because God is with us, we have hope, and He will get us through.

“She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).”

Matthew 1:21-23

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Romans 15:13

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Kept Promises

LindaLeave a comment
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Photo Credit: John Hall

As I’ve read familiar biblical passages lately, I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before, understood as I’ve never understood before, been comforted like I’ve never been comforted before. I have truly been amazed by how the Lord has been attending to my heart and my every need. This year God has shown Himself faithful to His promises in remarkable and, often times, indescribable ways.

I’m currently reading the book, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow. The first time I read it back in the spring God used it to help me begin to see purpose, when my heart only wanted to ask “why”. The book is full of biblical truth and encouragement, so I’m reading it again and seeing many things I missed the first time around.

Nancy Guthrie, the author, writes about how the Lord allows us to see Him and know Him in deeper ways as we seek Him while walking through great pain, disappointment, and sorrow. She actually calls it an opportunity—“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him (Jesus) with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself.” (my emphasis)

So through my pain and sorrow the Lord has put on display the workings of His promises.

  • I’ve run across things I had forgotten about, and have been reminded of things long gone that either dispelled my false thinking or confirmed my right thinking—just when I needed it.
  • Specific bible verses that have helped carry me through the past few years keep showing up in what seem like the most random places.
  • One of the songs we sang at John’s service continues to come on the radio at times when doubt is surfacing or great sadness is overtaking me.

And these are just a few of the things I’ve experienced.

Are these coincidences? I don’t think so.

I believe God wants to let me know in the most obvious of ways that He is near and He knows my pain. He wants to encourage me, comfort me, remind me, and grow me. He wants to show me that His promises are indeed true. The Lord is allowing me to experience Him in a deeper way, all because of my deep sorrow.

In June of 2016, John texted me a picture he had taken of a rainbow (another gift from the Lord that I still have that text). He sent these words with the picture “Beautiful reminder this evening that God keeps His promises…. love you!”

As I look at that text and think back over the past nine plus months, I see incredible evidence of God’s kept promises. He is the one who never lies, never changes His mind, never waivers in His word. He is the ultimate Promise Keeper.

John believed the promises of God. I do, too. I have seen these promises fulfilled before me in remarkable ways. Has this journey been easy? No. Do I really look at it as an “opportunity” to know God in a deeper way? Yes… but… I have to choose to see it this way. And it doesn’t come naturally nor does it come easily. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Psalm 119:49-50

 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

 

For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.

2 Corinthians 1:20

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Sustained by the Sustainer

Linda1 Comment

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Over the last several weeks, I’ve been reflecting on how the Lord has abundantly and powerfully shown Himself to be strong on our behalf this year. October 7th marked nine months since John went to heaven. Seems like it’s been such a long time. But by God’s measure of time, John is just getting started.

As I’ve reflected, the word sustain has struck me anew.  I’ve been reading scripture that speaks of the Lord sustaining His children. This made me want to look more deeply into the meaning of the word. And here’s a bit of what I found:

  • to support, hold up
  • to endure without giving way or yielding
  • to keep up or keep going

A few synonyms and similar phrases:

  • brace; bear; carry; defend; feed; maintain; preserve; uphold; keep alive; keep from falling

These are strong, substantial words and phrases to define the word sustain.

People ask me from time to time, how are you doing? And I appreciate this so much because it reminds me that they still remember and are praying for us. My answer to that question is usually something like, doing OK; it’s a long process; the Lord has been faithful.

But He’s been so much more than just faithful. He has been my faithful Sustainer. The very air I breathe.

He has supported me and held me up when I’ve felt I couldn’t stand. He has helped me endure when I’ve wanted to give up. He has defended me against the lies of the enemy when I’ve wanted to believe them. He has fed me with His Word, preserved me, kept me alive, and kept me from falling away when my faith has been weak.

Yes, He has been my Sustainer. He is my Sustainer.

Another definition of sustain is—to undergo, experience, or suffer an injury, loss, etc.

According to what I’ve read in books and heard from other parents who have lost children, the death of a child is one of the most difficult of all losses. A friend who lost her son several years ago, and then more recently lost her husband told me, you always know there’s a chance that you will outlive your spouse, but you never expect to outlive your child.

Perhaps child loss is the greatest, it has certainly been the most difficult loss I’ve faced so far. But regardless, Robert and I have sustained a tremendous loss.

So as He would have it, our Sustainer God is sustaining his children who have sustained a great loss. Such a play on words, but it’s true.

He’s upholding, preserving, feeding, carrying, supporting, and maintaining those who belong to Him who are suffering and carrying a heavy weight. He’s not only doing this for me, He’s also doing it for you, brother or sister in Christ.

So I encourage you to call out to Him, lean into Him, and walk in His strength as He upholds you. Let the Word of the Lord remind you anew of your great Sustainer… (the emphasis below is mine)

Forty years you (God) sustained them (the Israelites) in the wilderness, and they lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell.  

Nehemiah 9:21

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.

Psalm 3:5

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

(The Lord)…will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 1:8

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Those Left Behind

Linda2 Comments

I added another name to my calendar yesterday. The calendar I keep to remind myself of the anniversaries of the deaths of people I want to be sure to remember. That makes three additions to that calendar since I added John’s name in January of this year.

Now another family begins the long road of grieving the loss of their precious loved one.

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The Only Recording that Matters

Linda8 Comments

I put John’s death certificate in our safe deposit box last week. As I type this, I once again think—I still can’t believe this has happened. John’s death certificate.

It took several months for us to receive it in the mail. And once we knew it was on its way, every day as the mail would come, it would be the same thing—heart beating a little faster until I saw that it didn’t come that day.

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The Phone Call No Parent Wants to Receive

LindaLeave a comment

Robert talked to John about 9:00pm on Friday, January 6, 2017, to confirm where we would meet him on the 8th once we arrived in Minneapolis. January 8th was his 27th birthday. It had been nine months since we had been up to see him. On April 3, 2016, we left him standing in the driveway of the home where he lived waving goodbye to us. As we drove away, I looked back until we turned the corner, and I silently prayed that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw him.

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