Tag: Hope

The Best Gift of All

Linda12 Comments

I have learned that most parents who have lost a child say the second year is harder. But in my mind I was hoping that that would not be the case, however, it has been. I believe it’s partly because during the first year, the focus is on getting through all the “firsts”, with the hope that maybe somehow the “seconds” and after won’t be as hard.

But it’s been my experience that the second passing of the “firsts” is with a deeper reality—the reality that my son is not returning, and I have to walk through the third year, the fourth…the tenth, the rest of my life on this earth without him.

I haven’t written here for several months because I’ve been working through this deeper reality, and continue to do so. But I wanted to write a few words of encouragement to anyone who reads and finds his or herself in a dark, difficult place. This time of year I am always strongly reminded of the hope we have through Jesus. The season we celebrate the giving of Hope. The giving of the best gift of all.

Recently, Robert and I have been listening to a study on the life of Joseph. Today, as I listened, I was reminded that Joseph had every right, by man’s standards, to have a victim mentality. He was a victim. His brothers hated him. He was sold into slavery, plotted against, wrongfully imprisoned, slandered, forgotten. But he never abandoned his faith. Instead he totally submitted to God’s plan as it unfolded in spite of the fact that he could only see his current circumstances, not God’s full plan.

We now have the completed story of Joseph’s life recorded on the pages of Scripture (Genesis 35-50). We can read and see how God was faithfully working through all of the horrific things that happened to Joseph during his lifetime.

The naming of children had great significance in the Bible, and when God blessed Joseph with two sons, he could have given them names that would have represented his suffering and hardships, but he didn’t. Instead he chose names that honored God and His faithfulness.

In Genesis 41:51-52, we learn the names of Joseph’s two sons. He named his first son Manasseh—“for God has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house”. His second son he named Ephraim—“for God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction”. Joseph gave God all the credit for helping him walk through his hardships and for blessing him in his affliction. I’m sure Joseph was deeply hurt and confused in every undeserved situation—after all he was just a man. But it seems in the pages of scripture that he never allowed that deep hurt to make him bitter.

The teaching on Joseph today reminded me of two things. The first is that I can live the rest of my life with a victim mentality and let the hardship of John’s physical death make me bitter. Or I can choose, as Joseph did, to trust God in this, and honor Him while trusting.

The second thing that came to my mind was when we chose the name for our son. We wanted his name to represent our gratefulness to the Lord for entrusting us with such a beautiful and precious gift. And we also wanted his name to represent our hopes and dreams for his life.

So we chose the name John Michael.

John means—“God’s gracious gift”.

Michael means—“who is like the Lord”.

God allowed us to be John’s mom and dad for one day short of 27 years. We are so very thankful for this honor and this gift. Also God placed gifts in John that allowed him to display some of the character of the Lord. John was compassionate, gentle, loving, loyal, generous, kind. We are so very thankful we had the privilege to see these gifts in him.

During the month of December 2016, before John went to Heaven on January 7, 2017, he and I were texting back and forth. The very last text I sent to John was this little doodle:

fullsizeoutput_35f8

Little did I know that within a few days of John receiving that text, he would be in the presence of the greatest Gift and Gift-giver Himself, Jesus Christ.

I would never compare my suffering to the suffering of Joseph, because his was of such magnitude. But I do consider the loss of my only child to be a deep, deep hurt—the deepest that I may ever face.

I could continue through the years processing and thinking of myself as a victim of a cruel turn of life, but I cannot do that because when I received the very best gift that God has ever given me—salvation through Jesus—it changed my life and my way of thinking. God can be trusted in the very darkest of places.

Joseph was in many dark places. But Joseph trusted God. Joseph could have been bitter. But Joseph honored God.

So with these reminders, and especially during this Christmas season, I pray your trust in God will remain strong, and that you will honor the One True Gift that matters most—Jesus—the best gift I have ever received—the Gift of all gifts.

“… she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Luke 2:9-11

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Christmas without John

Linda2 Comments

img_0065.jpg

Why is it that holidays evoke such strong feelings? I guess it’s because everywhere you look and everything you hear seems to revolve around families being together. And then the memories from years past… holidays are difficult for many people.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I have many near-to-my-heart memories with John at Christmas. We always made a birthday cake for Jesus and had a special Bible time each night leading up to Christmas day in anticipation of celebrating His birth. Our favorite Christmas music began playing at home and in our car the day after Thanksgiving, and our favorite Christmas movie played as we decorated the tree. We always bought a new ornament that would represent something special from the current year. As we would hang all the ornaments from previous years, we would enjoy together the memories each ornament would bring to mind. So, so many memories.

But now…

As I reflect over the past few Christmases the reality is that John wasn’t at home with us. He was either not doing well enough to come home, or he was in a recovery program. So why is this Christmas so much harder? And I realize that before this year, there was always hope that “next Christmas” things would be better and John would be home. And now that hope is gone—gone with his physical death.

Oh I know we will see John again in Heaven. And I know John is celebrating Jesus’ birth in a way we can only imagine—in the very presence of God. But selfishly my heart is broken that John is not with us and will never again be with us in this life…. and I miss him oh so very much.

So as we continue to muddle through this holiday season, I am faced with things like:

…signing one less name on the cards and gift tags,

…realizing that all those special Christmas ornaments won’t be passed on to John,

…not being able to listen to our favorite Christmas music,

…not enjoying the season as I once did.

But the one thing I am doing this year is being so very thankful for what Christmas means. Because of Christmas, I have hope that our family will one day be reunited to celebrate together for all of eternity because of our faith in Jesus.

So my friends, this Christmas savor the time with family and friends, give good, long hugs, celebrate the hope we have in God through the tiny baby who was sent many years ago. Immanuel—God with us. Because God is with us, we have hope, and He will get us through.

“She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).”

Matthew 1:21-23

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Romans 15:13

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Our Example Is to Serve

LindaLeave a comment

hand-1044883__340

Through these past few months I’ve had people say to me, “I don’t know how you’ve been able to write so soon after John’s physical death”, and honestly there are days when I have thought the same thing.

On the days—and there are many—when I can’t seem to get focused enough to do anything, I am reminded that I can do nothing without Christ.

“… for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13

The apostle Paul wrote these words to the Christians in Philippi many years ago. He said he had learned how to do these things through Christ’s strength. I am still learning.

As I push on in obedience to what I feel the Lord has asked me to do, I find myself in mental battles that have required me to press even harder into him. I often have days that all I want to do is cry and wallow in the deep sorrow I feel, and I do allow myself those days. But I can’t stay there for too long, or I’ll find that the days have turned into weeks.

So I have to remind myself again and again that the Lord has always been faithful to help me, and he will be faithful every day in the future as well.

I remember when we were in the dark days of John’s struggle with depression and addiction. I had to choose—wallow in my heartbreak and worry—which I admit I often did—or take the focus off my family’s problems and myself and serve others.

“ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:4 

And that’s what I chose to do. I believe the Lord calls us to give our lives away for the sake of others and for the sake of the Gospel. This life we are currently living is just a mist—a pinpoint in time compared to eternity (James 4:14). There is work to be done, and Jesus is our example to follow.

“… the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:28

Through the years of my life, I have found that my greatest joy comes from serving others. Keeping our eyes open for ways to serve people, I believe, is an important key to our joy. Especially when life gets hard.

I feel certain that in Jesus’ humanness, there had to be days he wanted to wallow in fear, sorrow, and discouragement. In the garden of Gethsemane he sweat drops of blood (Luke 22:41-44) because he knew what he was about to go through. Even though he already knew the plan before he ever breathed one breath on this earth, he still came to serve and give his life as the ransom for many.

So I have to get myself up and find others to serve, believing that it will make a difference. In serving others, my eyes and thoughts move from me to them. If that means writing, then I’ll write. If that means leading a small group of women, then I’ll lead that group. If that means helping a family in need, then I’ll do that. But I’ll know in each situation, that I’m the one who will receive the greatest joy by looking to the interests of others.

 If you have found yourself in a place of deep disappointment, sorrow, or difficulty, take time to process and work through those hard things, but then get going. Look beyond yourself, and find a way to serve someone even in the midst of your prolonged difficulty. Don’t give into the temptation to wallow, there’s something the Lord wants you to do—someone he wants you to serve. You don’t have to look far to find the needs.

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Kept Promises

LindaLeave a comment
Version 3
Photo Credit: John Hall

As I’ve read familiar biblical passages lately, I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before, understood as I’ve never understood before, been comforted like I’ve never been comforted before. I have truly been amazed by how the Lord has been attending to my heart and my every need. This year God has shown Himself faithful to His promises in remarkable and, often times, indescribable ways.

I’m currently reading the book, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow. The first time I read it back in the spring God used it to help me begin to see purpose, when my heart only wanted to ask “why”. The book is full of biblical truth and encouragement, so I’m reading it again and seeing many things I missed the first time around.

Nancy Guthrie, the author, writes about how the Lord allows us to see Him and know Him in deeper ways as we seek Him while walking through great pain, disappointment, and sorrow. She actually calls it an opportunity—“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him (Jesus) with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself.” (my emphasis)

So through my pain and sorrow the Lord has put on display the workings of His promises.

  • I’ve run across things I had forgotten about, and have been reminded of things long gone that either dispelled my false thinking or confirmed my right thinking—just when I needed it.
  • Specific bible verses that have helped carry me through the past few years keep showing up in what seem like the most random places.
  • One of the songs we sang at John’s service continues to come on the radio at times when doubt is surfacing or great sadness is overtaking me.

And these are just a few of the things I’ve experienced.

Are these coincidences? I don’t think so.

I believe God wants to let me know in the most obvious of ways that He is near and He knows my pain. He wants to encourage me, comfort me, remind me, and grow me. He wants to show me that His promises are indeed true. The Lord is allowing me to experience Him in a deeper way, all because of my deep sorrow.

In June of 2016, John texted me a picture he had taken of a rainbow (another gift from the Lord that I still have that text). He sent these words with the picture “Beautiful reminder this evening that God keeps His promises…. love you!”

As I look at that text and think back over the past nine plus months, I see incredible evidence of God’s kept promises. He is the one who never lies, never changes His mind, never waivers in His word. He is the ultimate Promise Keeper.

John believed the promises of God. I do, too. I have seen these promises fulfilled before me in remarkable ways. Has this journey been easy? No. Do I really look at it as an “opportunity” to know God in a deeper way? Yes… but… I have to choose to see it this way. And it doesn’t come naturally nor does it come easily. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Psalm 119:49-50

 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

 

For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.

2 Corinthians 1:20

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.

Be Strong & Courageous

LindaLeave a comment

When you see someone you love hurting themselves, what is your natural instinct? It should be to stop them and to show them another way, right? But what do you do when that person won’t stop, when that person won’t change?

Many times John told me that he did not want to do the things he was doing or be the way he was as far as his addiction. He would be broken hearted over the hurt he had brought to his dad and me. He would be broken hearted over the life he was living. Yet time after time he would go to rehab and get clean, only to relapse again.

Read More »

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

Linda2 Comments

Anyone could understand why my heart would be broken. To have lost my only child? Of course my heart is broken. And I want it to heal, but will it ever be the same?

I have a porcelain bluebird figurine that belonged to my mother. At some point in that figurine’s life it got broken. She’s no longer here to ask about it, but it looks like Momma tried to glue it back together as best she could. But just like with our hearts, once porcelain is broken it’s never put back together exactly the same. Every Spring I pull out that little bluebird to display somewhere on a table in our home, and I am reminded of my mother and how, I am sure, she tried her very best to make that figurine look as though it had never been broken.

Read More »

Those Left Behind

Linda2 Comments

I added another name to my calendar yesterday. The calendar I keep to remind myself of the anniversaries of the deaths of people I want to be sure to remember. That makes three additions to that calendar since I added John’s name in January of this year.

Now another family begins the long road of grieving the loss of their precious loved one.

Read More »