It’s been a while since I’ve written here. My initial goal was to write about once a week. But that hasn’t happened since late last year.

I don’t know why, but I was thinking that somehow after that first anniversary, January 7, 2018, the first anniversary of John’s physical death, I would be able to move a bit further down this road of grief. Not feel quite as sad or quite so weary. Maybe not feel as lost or not as incomplete. But that hasn’t happened either.

On the recommendation of a dear friend the Lord brought to me last year, Robert and I took a trip over the Christmas holidays intentionally not returning home until after the first year anniversary and John’s birthday, the day after his physical death, January 8th.

I’m so glad we listened and took her advice. Getting away from the familiar helped. But it didn’t make it go away. Upon returning home, the fact that John is gone once again became overwhelming. And my hopes of feeling better were dashed.

How foolish of me to think that the passing of a date would somehow make things better. Isn’t it odd how our minds work? We want to talk ourselves into things, don’t we?

The anticipation of facing that first year anniversary was gut wrenching—reliving those days leading up to the phone call we received telling us that John was gone. And then walking back into our home after our time away to only be reminded that John is not coming back.

My faith began to waver… maybe I should just give up.

Multiple times in scripture the Word tells us to hold fast. Here are just three of those verses.

“You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.”

Deuteronomy 13:4

 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him (says the Lord); I will protect him, because he knows my name.”

Psalm 91:14

 “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”

Hebrews 10:23

So here I find myself . . . holding fast . . . often wavering . . . but not giving up.

During these last few months, the song He Will Hold Me Fast has come across my ears numerous times. Every time I hear it, it encourages me to keep holding fast to the One who is holding me.

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13 NIV

When the Lord saved me over 35 years ago, He wrote my name in His book. He took me as His own. He anchored me in His love. I will hold fast to the God of my salvation.

One day our faith will be made sight . . . until then—hold fast.

“Only hold fast (to) what you have until I come.”

Revelation 2:25

 “I am coming soon . . .”

Revelation 3:11

HE WILL HOLD ME FAST  (link)

Verse One

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;
When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.
I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path;
For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast.

Chorus
He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;
For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast.

Verse Two

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast;
Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast.
He’ll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last;
Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast.

Verse Three

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast;
Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast
‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last!

Lyrics vv 1&2 by Ada R. Habershon; v 3 & Music by Matt Merker; Video by Getty Music

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.