While praying through whether or not to actually write this blog, and if I decided to go through with it, I wanted to choose a name that would have meaning and would resonate with readers. So why “Waiting with Hope”?

Back in 2008, when John’s struggle with addiction had so overtaken our family, I was working through a Bible study that took me to Psalm 27. I had possibly read this Psalm at some point prior to this particular day, but on this day when I read verses 13 and 14, the words jumped off the page and gripped my heart.

“I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”

Psalm 27:13-14

At the moment I read those words, it occurred to me that Robert and I had begun living as dead people, because we had come to realize the extent of what our family could be facing as a result of our son’s addiction. Oh I’m sure we looked just fine on the outside, but on the inside we both felt the weight of a great battle ahead of us, and the light in our living had just.gone.out.

As I later shared these thoughts with Robert, we talked about how we needed to do just as these verses said—be strong, take courage in Him, and wait on the Lord to bring good.

But that’s not easy to do. Especially when you live in the destruction and despair addiction brings to everyday life.

We had already waited eight years to welcome John into our family, and now we were almost two years into this new and horrific battle of addiction. As I’m sure you know, when we find ourselves in extremely hard places, it’s very difficult to wait and see what God will do. We would rather take the reigns and race on ahead toward what we think is best.

But that is not what God says for us to do. He says to wait on Him, to be strong in His strength, and to wait for His plan. So we prayed for the patience to wait; for the strength to trust Him; for the wisdom and guidance to make wise decisions.

So while praying through what the blog might be named, Psalm 27 and “Waiting with Hope” kept coming to mind. “What am I waiting for now?” I would ask myself.

And the answer came to me—I am waiting to see our son again.

I have to be completely honest with you. I really did believe that God was going to allow us to see John free of depression and addiction here on this earth. To see him healthy and happy, and living out the purposes God had for him. And that was my plan, and what I was desperately praying for.

But God had another plan. His plan was to completely free John in heaven with Him.

Please hear me… I would have been so overwhelmed with joy to have been able to see my plan come to fruition. And I often think about how beautiful and amazing that would have been to see. But that was not to be.

So I have a choice. I can live the rest of my life kicking and screaming against what God deemed best for John’s life, or I can humbly submit to God’s plan in this, and pray for the strength to walk through it and to come out on the other side with stronger faith and a deeper relationship with my heavenly Father.

Trusting God is a choice—a choice that I have to make over and over again on any given day.

I so wish I could talk to John just one more time; to hear his laugh; to see his smile. But that hasn’t happened yet today.

But one day I will talk to him again. I will hear his laugh again. I will see his smile again. In the eternal land of the living.

So I trust, and I wait—confident in the hope that only my heavenly Father can give—even on the days I want to kick and scream.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.