Anyone could understand why my heart would be broken. To have lost my only child? Of course my heart is broken. And I want it to heal, but will it ever be the same?

I have a porcelain bluebird figurine that belonged to my mother. At some point in that figurine’s life it got broken. She’s no longer here to ask about it, but it looks like Momma tried to glue it back together as best she could. But just like with our hearts, once porcelain is broken it’s never put back together exactly the same. Every Spring I pull out that little bluebird to display somewhere on a table in our home, and I am reminded of my mother and how, I am sure, she tried her very best to make that figurine look as though it had never been broken.

Sometimes I wonder, how long will it take for my broken heart to look as though it was never broken—to get back to my “old” self? Recently I have also found myself thinking—do I want to get back to the way I was before?

Over these past eight and a half months, God has taught me so much, and I can say with certainty—I never want to be the same again. I never want to forget the wondrous ways He has shown Himself to me. The things about Himself that He continues to teach me. The ways He has changed me because of my broken heart.

I believe this might have been what James was talking about when he said,

…the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

James 1:3

As I’ve been squeezed and tossed around over these last few years by dealing day in and day out with John’s addiction, and then only to be totally broken hearted this year by his physical death, I have been blaringly reminded of how desperately I need Christ.

I am a sinner who doubts, who is weak, and who struggles every day. And God has allowed me to see over and over again that it is He who is good, He who is faithful, He who is strong, He who gives peace.

So every Spring as that little bluebird stands on display with all his brokenness showing, I too must stand everyday humbly showing my brokenness. But not as a glued-back-together woman, but as a made new sinner who is standing steadfast on the solid Rock of Christ.

God will put my broken heart back together, but in His time, and in His way.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Chorus:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

—Edward Mote (1797-1874)

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.