Mother’s Day is six days away. Another hard one to get through. The second one since John left us. And the anticipation of it . . . you can’t walk into a store or turn on the TV without being reminded.

There’s another time in my life when Mother’s Day was difficult. After five years of marriage, we started down a long road of infertility—eight years to be exact. Every Mother’s Day that rolled around I was reminded that I couldn’t celebrate that day as a mom.

But then after the Lord blessed us through adoption with our precious little son, John, Mother’s Day became one of the sweetest days of the year! Just so happy to be a momma. And especially happy to be John’s momma.

Now, if I’m completely honest, I wish Mother’s Day could just go away. But that’s not going to happen. I know I’m still John’s mom even though he’s in Heaven, but these weeks in May are a deep, searing reminder that he’s not here to tell me, and I can’t hear him say, “Happy Mother’s Day! I love you, Momma!”

This time last year we drove down to the beach and stayed for a few days. It was good to get away from home. It had only been four months since John’s physical death.

Sitting on the beach that Sunday, I put my earbuds in and began listening to praise music. As I sat there taking in all the vastness of the ocean, so many questions and so many thoughts went round and round in my mind.

Why, Lord? I so wanted to see John healed in this life.

When did things go awry? John loved us so much.

Did we do all we could have? Maybe we could have done more.

Will our broken hearts ever mend? This pain is too much.

As my thoughts and questions began to mount up, I felt myself going into a dark hole. I realized I needed to replace my thoughts with Truth from God’s Word. And I needed to do it quickly.

So I opened up the Bible app on my phone and began reading some of the scriptures that had especially brought me comfort over the previous four months. I read several verses and then scrolled to Psalm 139.

The verse from this Psalm that had given, and continues to give me so much peace . . .

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that are formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” v. 16

Every day John lived on this earth was already written in God’s book before he took one breath as a newborn baby. I’m so thankful the Lord gave us this verse in His Word. No matter my questions or my thoughts, the Lord ordained John’s days.

As I continued reading, God gave me a beautiful, tangible picture of His love through verses 17 and 18. I knew I had read the verses before as I has read this whole Psalm numerous times. But the specific words had not resonated with my heart like they did that day . . .

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand…” (my emphasis)

As I sat there reading this verse, my toes were literally in the sand—a vast number of grains all around me that I would never be able to count. According to Psalm 139:17-18, so are His thoughts toward me.

How loved and encouraged I felt in that moment when the Lord reminded me through His Word of how often He thinks of me and how intimately He knows me and how deeply He cares for me. My heavenly Father, the Lord over all. His thoughts toward me are more than the grains of sand!

I am forever thankful to God for the utmost privilege of being John’s momma.

I am forever thankful to God for the mother I had who John is now with in Heaven.

I am forever thankful to God that He is helping me as I continue to work through the reality that John is no longer with us.

Today marks 16 months since John passed from this life to the next. For all of eternity John will live in the presence of God.

And time for us continues to go by—one day at a time.

The Bible says that we each have a definitive number of days that God has ordained for us to live on this earth. I want to live the rest of mine serving Him in faithful obedience.

May I ask . . . how are you living your days? I pray it is in faithful obedience to your Heavenly Father.

If you’re not sure God is your Heavenly Father, could I ask you to read more here, and consider how and for whom you are living your days?

And Brother or Sister in Christ, if you are in a place where your thoughts and questions take you to a dark hole, turn your thoughts to Him. His thoughts are toward you . . . more than the grains of sand.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.”

Psalm 139:1-2

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”

Psalm 139:11-12

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

Psalm 139:23-24

 

Quoted scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted.